Somethings Are Better Written Than Said.

Thank you for stopping by & Hello

Writing here only brings back sad memories. I opened this blog when I was at my lowest in February, 2019 nine months ago. Things where hard, I had given up on everything, life inclusive. It is funny how sometimes we let our demons defeat us without even putting up a fight.

1. Early this month, I almost lost my life. And while I may or may not be exaggerating, I can assure you that I was something close to that— dying. It was the scariest thing ever. I was out of breath throughout. Only taking deep breaths to keep my lungs alive. I was beginning to grow tired, I figured that if I stopped taking deep breaths, I'd most certainly die. The vibration that was going through my body did nothing but worsen the whole situation. Both my parents were beside me, praying and telling me to take it easy. They cast out the devil and commanded his operatives to stop their evil doings. It'd have been a lot more better if I was just taken to the hospital. I was embarrassed and for someone who was slowly slipping away, that was a dumb thing to feel 'embarrassment'. They were both looking at me intently. I could only but close my eyes and cry, so they wouldn't see the look of disappointment and contempt and fear that filled my luminous eyes. I, too, prayed for myself. I have always pride myself to be a strong woman who doesn't need anybody to help get her through. So I prayed and commanded whatever it was that was happening to me to stop. I was too cool to be seen in such despicable state, too awesome to be a damsel in distress, too... too weak to be confronted with such a freighting scene. I became calm after a while of walking on the thin thread that demarcated the living and the dead. I didn't want to talk about it ever again but right in my presence, my mom picked up her phone to call a person who up until this day I have no idea of, that I, Tosin, just had a convulsion and of course, she went into details.

2.  That is just one amongst the many other things that has happened to me this year.  I am one who hates mushy talks, they make me cringe, okay? So, in October this year, something happened that awakened what I thought was already long dead in me. I went up to an uncompleted building at night time and cried my heart out. The hurt I felt in that moment was powerful enough to light up a whole estate. I used to hate cryiny a lot but with what ensued that not so faithful day, it became too difficult for me to hold in. So I cried, I cried my heart out. I asked God why evil had befallen me. I asked God why I wasn't his favourite child. I asked God why he didn't speak to me. I didn't get any answers, it wasn't his fault I was miserable anyways.

3.  I don't know what I feel or what to feel sometimes. It's almost as if I have become insensible. I do not let negative thoughts about myself choke me up, I just let them slide. I think self-pity is the most disgusting thing on earth, you'll never find me pitying my self. I know I am a huge mess, a lot is not right with me. There is a hundred and one reasons for me to hate myself and let depression eat me up. I get tired of everything a lot and on most days, I do not want to leave my bed or eat or interact with people, I just cry and conclude that I would be better off dead but I do not have the balls to do that. I have attempted suicide before, took a kitchen knife and tried to stab myself in the stomach but I couldn't do it, I figured the pain would be deadpan unbearable. Also, I was the only one at home at that time, I'd have been long dead before anyone found me. So maybe I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel a different kind of pain one that hurts differently, one that wasn't internal like the one I had been feeling for most of my life, one that wouldn't actually, like, kill me. 

4. I always fight against depression because I have been there before. It was for the most silly reason but you see the thing about depression is that, it doesn't care about the magnitude of the root cause, it would come at you with all its might and that was what happened to me. Trust me, if you've never been depressed before then don't wish for it. You will always be at your lowest, nothing interests you anymore and the constant bickering of your mind to end the internal pain you feel would always be at the loudest volume. I experienced depression first hand, I shiver as I think back to it. I do not ever want to go back there, it feels like hell down there. This is the reason why I do not think about my problems too much, I do not want to go back there. But there are sometimes when I feel I would be at ease if I were just dead. But I try my best to stay alive, it gets hard sometimes but I try my best, I'm a fighter.

5. Growing up for me was never eventful. I don't remember much of my childhood, I was ugly during my teenage years. It was hard to fit it in sometimes. I have major childhood traumas that still haunts me till this day. They did a lot to me, they messed up my social skills, they fueled my anxiety and made me overall think of myself as a shitty person. What do you do when everyone around you was always on cloud nine except you? I always felt like the kid with the tree costume on, when everyone else was Jesus or Mary or the Three Wise Men. They never saw me. But here I am today, no longer the tree. I am the voice of God in all the school plays. I got out of my shell when I went to college. I became a new person, a changed person, the best version of myself (well, at least that was what I thought). I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the feeling of being wild and without a care in the world. My laugh became the loudest and sometimes, it became the reason others laughed too.

6. I find peace in being by myself, you know, solitude. During the times when I lock up myself in my room, I do not think of anything, I do not think about deep things. I only come up with slick imaginations, you know, getting married to Reekado Banks or having babies for Justin Bieber. I will carefully divert my thoughts from serious issues to less serious ones because I didn't want to drive myself crazy.

7. I am currently twenty years of age, standing tall (or short) at 5'5 ft. I almost petite,I have a light brown skin, I absolutely hate my collar bones. They stick out way too much and I don't find them sexy. I have an oval shaped face, with almond shaped eyes, my hairline is nonexistent, my lips are a shade of darkness. I have a beautiful and soft nose. I have a long and full 4B thick African hair. I love my hair. I have five beautiful toes on each foot. I love my foot. I have a scar under my chin and another one under the ankle of my right foot. There's also one on the side left side of my face it's shaped like the quote symbol (") Cute huh? My older brother says I got the scar when I was a child. I do not know the whole details. 
In conclusion, I have a beautiful body but everyday, I destroy it by not eating and not drinking water. I forget to eat sometimes and when i do remember to eat, I do not have the will to do it. My body says "I want food" my soul says "Hang on a little, we can't do that right now".

8. These days, I try to take God out of everything. Something good happens, I unconsciously try to look for another phrase go use instead of the regular "Thank God". I'm not sure why I do that. For the weeks now, I have been having a mental war within myself. Is God real? Is God not real? Why Christians would condemn Magic but their Messiah walked on water, their Messiah was conceived with the help of a Spirit? I thought we needed the sperm of a man to fertilize the eggs of a woman, so spirits have sperms now? You say it's supernatural well, why then do you call "levitation" demonic even though there's an understandable scientific explanation behind it unlike water turning into wine. Angels-fell-from-heaven-landed-on-earth-had sex-with-humans-and-had-baby-gaints-as-childeren now, if that doesn't sound like one Dumbledore's tricks then I don't know what to say.

   Anytime I go to church, I see myself coming up with arguable questions about the existence of a sovereign being. Maybe there is a God but the writers of the Bible exaggerated a bit? Is this blasphemy? I am sorry but these are all innocent questions. Yes, I have seen the handy work of God in my life but right now, I cannot think clearly. I am not fully convinced. A lot of things do not add up. I am not an atheist and for someone who is constantly questioning the credibility of God, I still pray to him everyday to help my unbelief. I don't know what would become of me in the next, say, five years, I am honestly scared of the outcome. I might have lost my faith by then. I need prayers from all of you.

9.  Love, love has been a word I have not fully come to understand. I do not know how true love works. I have never been in a stable relationship where all was a bed of roses and my partner showered me with love unspeakable. The last time I was in a relationship was in January this year. It ended in tears, it ended in a lot of tears. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the problem, if I'm the one who needs help. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there without completely losing my mind and giving up on everything. I long for love sometimes, you know, to have someone who would flaunt me and be proud of me and call me their own. Yes being alone is cool, I am already a cool person, lol, I just need to be loved.

10.  Over the years, I have been lucky enough to come in contact with a lot of people who have been a source of inspiration to me and more importantly, made me laugh. And in no particular order; (Everyone says this when they are about to make a list of their most preferred things)

•Bolaji Hassan (You were sent to me at a time when I thought all hope was lost. You saved my life and for that, I will be eternally grateful to you. There are days when I still think of you but I know all good things must come to an end and that was what happened between us. It is sad that the probability of you seeing this is the same as picking a black bean out of a bag of brown beans while blindfolded. I miss you and I hope you're safe wherever you are.)
•Becky Amos (Thank you for even liking me) 
•Benedicta Chioma Precious Chukwu (I know your full name because of the countless times I have received credit alerts from you. I wish we talked more often. I miss you)
•Goodluck Aguiyi
•Gift Jakin (You have given me a few words of wisdom over the years and I am thankful for that)
•Izu Jakin ( Thank you for believing in me)
•Emmanuel Jakin (I don't know why kiddo but I am really really drawn to you. Thank you for even talking to me) 
•Ejiro Akume
•Roheem 
•Unor Favour 
•Oladipo Oluwatoyin
•Ubon Ufot (This list wouldn't be complete without you)
•Christopher Niran
•Samuel Adeyemi (I love you Samuel, I love you, I love you, I love you.....my little-pumpkin-gummy-bear-sweetness-little-piece-of-rainbow-dust.) 
•Samuel Adeyeye
•George Haruna (If I ever used the phrase "God bless the man behind my smile" I would be talking about you)
•Rhenna  Keenan ( You are worth more than a bag of diamonds)
•Gift Bassey
•Ayiri Nunu (You have supported this blog and my writings for over a year now. Thank you for believing in me)
•Weyinmi Uduomayemi (Words cannot quantify how much I am grateful to have you in my life)
•Tosan Akintude
•Edna Bruce
•Lato Osaretin (Thank you for always having my back. I'll always remain your Lil Mama)
•Oghogho Oseki (Although you'll never see this because we've cut each other off, I still want to thank you for all the times you made me laugh)

I cannot possibly write a short text for all of you but I'll have you know that through your little acts of love and kindness towards me, you have added days, months and even years to my days here on earth and yes, I am lying. Y'all ain't shit. Thank you nonetheless.

11.  This note was not just written for the pleasure of the readers, I wrote this so I can look back to it when I'm older and hopefully see how much I've grown. I have this weird habit of leaving little notes on random pages in my notebooks for myself to read when I'm older. I laugh when I see them because I always think to myself, Tosin what were you thinking? Tosin, you're so dumb! And then and there, I realize I have grown, really grown. I hope to look back to this write up in say 2-3 years time and I hope that I'll still be here by then, stronger than ever and taking on the world with my middle finger all while still being a Christian, hopefully.

Dear me, I love you and I wouldn't be anyone else for all the treasures in the world and if given the chance to come back to this world, I'll pick you over and over and over again. I hope you find love, I hope you find happiness.

Thank you & Hello.